Long time no blog

Hello! Anybody still there? It has been months and months since I last posted. I felt a need to deal with some things internally before putting it out for the world to see. In hindsight, I probably would have been better off blogging, but I shut down completely and didn't feel capable of dealing with my own thoughts.

It all started with what was probably just a passing comment for someone else, triggering a downward spiral in what I (in my own mind) would call depression. As much as I know I shouldn't give any credit to this statement, deep down I did. This is what someone who used to be my best friend said to me... "I see you've started your own PT business. I hope you don't mind me saying, but I wouldn't train with anyone who couldn't run up a hill faster than me, or at least look like they could. I know you've come a long way, but you've still got a LONG way to go before you look like a personal trainer"

I really didn't know what to say, and pretty much didn't say anything. Of course all the come-backs came to me after, my personal favourite being "well actually, my target market isn't skanky alcoholics who don't bathe so I should be fine"... that pretty much sums up why we're no longer friends, but that is a story for another day.

Over the next couple of months I lost all confidence in everything... my job, my PT, my appearance, my ability to do anything. I put on weight and I became a social hermit. I would look forward to going out, and when the time came completely freak out and be unable to leave the house. I forced myself to go to my gym Christmas Party (my favourite event of the xmas season) and lasted 2 hours - and that took all my will power. I missed a good friend's farewell before she moved back to Germany, I missed birthdays, I missed dinners with friends and all sorts of things. The thought of going to the gym when I didn't have a PT session terrified me. Once I got the courage up to go to yoga, and walked out when I saw the room was nearly full. I just couldn't cope. I even came out in a rash for weeks on end - an allergic reaction to foods which is triggered by stress.

I almost quit my job - firstly because I hated it, but secondly because I couldn't cope with any stress and thought that a month off would give me time to sort myself out.

So fast forward to late January, when I thought it was time to apologise to a couple of wonderful girlfriends for cancelling on them so often and explain where my head was at. That was the turning point - in order to do that I had to face what I was feeling.

Since then I have built up my PT sessions to 3-4 hours a week with more bookings every day (just booked in 12 more sessions yesterday). I am even getting referrals to fill in for other trainers. I have just signed up with an outdoor trainer to contract to her on a part time basis, with the long term plan to be full time, open a small studio and perhaps even have part ownership. Of course, that is a fair way down the track! I have lost weight - back to what I was in September. I have also spoken to my boss about my plans and will switch to part time mid March and she will look for a replacement for me.

I'm doing one-on-one PT sessions with a PT Manager at one of the Fitness Firsts in the city which is as much about me reaching my goals as it is about learning about being a PT in a gym environment (he's mentoring me), I've found a couple of training buddys so have someone else to train with almost every day of the week, and I'm doing a friend's boot camp once a week (again for my own goals and ideas for my own clients). I am motivated and happy with the world.

My fears of not looking like a personal trainer have subsided a bit – I've found being upfront and honest with my clients about my journey and my goals means they are comfortable with me - and even inspired. I've found something I am good at and am ready to make the switch to being a full time PT.